Envy Is NOT A SheMan!
by Cashmeritan
Summary: He'll broadcast it on television, shattering the sound barrier. This androgynous homunculus will prove once and for all that he can be masculine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Disclaimer: T-T I, Ramen/Mary, have not yet received full custody of Fullmetal Alchemist…. In other words, I don't own it. Never will. Feel my wrath. Oh and I don't own Hot Topic or 'Barbie Girl'. This is why you shouldn't let me not eat anything and get up early the day before school starts.

Summary: ENVY IS _NOT_ A SHE-MAN.

x-x

The morning fog wafted through the windows a certain homunculus' bedroom, carrying a small sea of cool air on its wings. The murky air was much welcomed, seeing as it only added to the very scaaaary scene that was being displayed in the room.

A not tall, not short shadow was cast upon the walls. If you could only see the shadow, you'd go 'WTF!13244324 is that a man or a woman?' If you could see the source of the shadow, you'd go 'WTF!13244324 is that a man or a woman?' A very lose-lose situation.

The figure stood before a mirror, scowling. He had long green tendrils of hair, much resembling the leaves of a palm tree. In fact….The poor person practically WAS a palm tree. A mini-skirt wearing palm tree.

"I'm Envy," the figure said to itself. It's voice was much like a woman's, yet sort of like a man's, too. 'Envy', as it called itself, struck a pose that screamed 'ARMSTRONGGG!' "I'm Envy, and I'm a MAN, damn it!" Envy declared.

"Oh give it a rest!" shouted a woman who was not not Lust from a couple rooms away.

His limbs began to shake from being still in a complicated position, and he relaxed, sighing.

"Why do I wear this mini-skirt?" he questioned himself, tugging at the black garment. "And why do I wear something that looks like a sports/jogging bra, when I lack the breasts to fill it?" The palm tree dude threw his head back, and screamed, "I'M NOT A SHE-MANNNNNN!"

This proved to be a vain action, and only resulted in his androgynous vocals echoing throughout the room, and rest of the building he was in. Envy panted, and began clawing at himself, tears of self-loathing gathering at the corners of his eyes, and spilling down his cheeks. "I swear it!" he cried, voice hoarse. "I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA, I HAVE A PENIS!"

A tiny pixy flew down from the Heavens above, (How could it do that? There was a sturdy roof above Envy's head. Is it possible for pixies to sink through roofs? We shall never know), and landed on the asexual being's shoulder. "Hihi!" she greeted him. "I'm Lou-Lou!"

Envy merely stared at her. "….Hi….."

"I'm here to inform you of something!"

Envy's eyes shone. "Really! I LOVE BEING INFORMED OF THINGS!"

"REALLY? I LOVE INFORMING THINGS!"

"Let's dance!"

"Let's not, asshole."

Envy looked crest-fallen. "But-but-but--"

"BURNNN IN HELLL WITH ALL OTHER MONKEYSSS"

"Monkeys go to hell?" Envy was lost. Yet his face of bewilderment twisted downward into a scowl. "What makes them so bad? What makes them so unspecial? What makes them unworthy of flying above home!"

"…I dunno. I just made all of that up."

"Oh really? So you improvised?"

"Mm. Yup."

"You're very talented, Miss Lou-Lou."

"That's not my name. Call me Phil."

"…Very well then, Miss Phil."

"Yeah yeah whatever whatever I do what I want."

"I can't. -tear- Lust controls my life. She rapes me a lot. With her fingernails."

"You're sad."

"I know I am!" Envy cried between messy, tearful sobs.

"Awww…poor genderless baby."

"WHO YOU CALLIN' A NON-MAN-NON-WOMAN SO ANDROGYNOUS, HE CAN'T EVEN TIE HIS OWN SHOE!"

"….Le WTF."

"OKLAHOOOMAAA! MY HOOO--"

"Shuddup."

"--….OOOOOME.

"Anyway. I came here because I have to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"The form you're in? It's just plain dumb, you big pine tree. No wonder you're a she-man. If you want to look more like a man, then increase your penis size and shorten your hair length and ditch the mini-skirt."

"Oh. You mean by like changing forms?"

"…In a way."

"Alright, yo."

Envy changed.

He was now…LE WTF BUFF ENVY! LOLORZZZ

"I'm too sexy for your love, Phil the Pixy," Envy informed the Pixy.

The pixy frowned. "D Dag, yo." And it disappeared in a flash. This left BUFF!Envy all alone.

"…..LETS GO MAKE SOME CUPCAKES!" Envy cried girlishly. It seemed that no matter his gender, he would always carry some portion of femininity with him. He fingered his non-existent dimples, then got an idea. He was ENVY! He could GIVE himself dimples if he wanted to, you monkey-shit! SO HE DID JUST THAT. zoMG.

"YAY I HAVE DIMPLES!"

"…YAY I HAVE DIMPLESSS!"

"DIMPUHLEH DIMPUHLEH DOOP."

"…."

He ran out of the room.

He bumped into Lust. Lust stared.

"Envy," she said in a sultry voice, "You grew hotter than hot."

Envy smirked. "Oh but didn't I?"

"I just said you did."

"WELL OKAY."

"Do me!"

They did stuff.

Envy ran out of wherever they did stuff. "I need to buy myself an emotastic shirt." He shoved a finger into the air. "TO HOT TOPICCC!"

X-XHot TopicX-X

Envy arrived on the scene, out of breath, and looked around. Somewhere above, a chorus of angels was singing. Hallelujah. And then he focused in on one shirt.

….It was pink. And it was a fullmetal alchemist shirt.

"…WHY DOES FULLMETAL PIPSQUEAK GET HIS OWN SHOW AND HIS LINE OF SHIRTS!" Envy demanded. "That's it! I'M MAKING MY OWN SHOW! ENTITLED 'ENVY IS NOT A SHE-MAN!'"

He looked around at the mesmerized customers. "IT PREMIERES TONIGHT AT 5. WATCH IT OR FEEL MY WRATH. CAPS LOCK IS LOVE." He ran. Away. From there. Ooooh yeah!

Envy was prowling around the mall, looking for little kids to bug, all-the-while planning his show in his head. "I'll show Little Tiny Edo. My show'll be bigger than his!"

"WHO YOU CALLIN' SO SHORT YOU COULD…..uhm…I WITH YOUR HANDS AND MAKE A GIANT URINAL!" came a booming voice. Envy's eyebrows arched with interest.

"Now that just didn't make sense," he stated calmly, and walked. Away. From t3h scene. Of action.

X-X

At 4:55 PM, Envy was scrambling about some random TV studio that he had dictated, trying to become a 1-man crew. Heh. The thing about dictating the studio was that it meant no one else would help him. And Lust was out screwing Gluttony. For some reason. So yeah. Envy was all alone.

He grabbed a white board marker and scribbled down drawings. One was a crappily-drawn self-portrait, and the other was a tiny speck, with an arrow pointing to it. At the end of the arrow, it said ' EDO'. 5:00 came.

Envy stared into the camera lens. "I-Is this thing on?"

Ed laughed. He was in Roy's office, watching the show with Al, Roy, Riza, Havoc, and Armstrong. Armstrong flexed.

"HE IS ALMOST AS SEXY AS I!"

Riza looked at Roy, and began crying.

Roy blinked. "Am I dat ugleh?"

Riza hugged Roy. "I LOVE YOUUUU."

"…Scooore!"

"THREESOME!" Havoc shouted, and tackled Roy and Riza.

"BE QUIET, WILLYA!" Ed shouted, trying to listen to the show.

Al moaned. Ed looked at his brother, eyebrow raised.

"Brother, I have the hots for you," Al admitted.

"….That's nice," Ed returned.

"…You mean…" Al became chibi-fied. "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"

"Naw. You're too metal."

"…."

"…."

"ENVY IS NOT A SHE-MAN!" Envy screamed into the camera, on the verge of shattering the sound barrier. Everyone fell under the squeaky spell, except Al.

Roy, Riza, and Havoc's threesome died. Ed's dying words were, if I were to correctly recall, "WHO YOU CALLIN A SHORTY SHORT SHORT SUPER MEGA ULTRA FANTALASTIC SHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPPPPPPPPP!" before his voice faded into oblivion.

Envy stared at the camera.

"…I'm not. Kay?"

He had an emo-moment. "Gosh. J-Just leave me alone, okay? I don't wanna talk about it."

Envy strode off, tears falling on the floor.

The ending credits came on. Strange enough, the ending theme song was, and I swear to tell the truth, 'Barbie Girl' by Aqua.

_I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD. _

_LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT'S FANTASTIC. _

_YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR, UNDRESS ME ANYWHERE. _

_IMAGINATION, THAT IS YOUR CREATION_.

**_Fin. _**


End file.
